Everything Old is New Again
by tpchicken
Summary: Spoiler tags to 3.06 & 3.08  It takes Ryan a little bit longer to cope with recent events after the 3xk case.  Luckily he's got a support system around him.


Author's note: Not feeling satisfied with the way the show wrapped up Ryan's little "I got taken down by the triple killer" storyline, I felt compelled to fill in the blanks. The Ryan Report made me feel a little better, but I really wanted to see something more from Ryan in 3.08, but I also realize that the show only has so much time to get everything in, and how Ryan is coping is not a high priority to them (it is to me!) Hence this story.

There are spoilers for 3.06 & 3.08 in this. Also, I know little about shooting ranges or after action reports or how one actually gets a replacement badge, so most of this comes from what I've seen in the show or read in the Ryan Report.

I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I'm just borrowing these characters, not profiting from them, except to easy my over active mind.

* * *

Bang, bang, bang.

Ryan swore under his breath as he viewed the results of this last round of firing. He'd been at the range for at least 45 minutes and it wasn't going well. Once again most of his shots pulled right and he'd totally missed the 10 ring. He wasn't even sure if he had hit it once today. He rechecked his fire arm and set it down in front of him frustrated.

A hand on his left shoulder startled him and he whirled around with a quick right hook that was stopped inches from the other man's jaw.

"Esposito! What the hell! Why are you sneaking up on me?"

"Sneaking? Ryan I said your name like 3 times before I touched you."

"Really? Oh."

Esposito took a look at the other man's target. "You're pulling right, you know?"

"Gee thanks. Its this damn gun. I miss my other. My backup is just not what it use to be."

"Here let me take a turn." Esposito grabbed a spare set of protective glasses and headphones, and Ryan handed him the reloaded weapon. Esposito squeezed off 8 rounds, 5 hitting center mass and the other 3 were not far off.

"Damn," Ryan swore. He pulled his own protective gear off and grabbed a seat on the bench just outside of the range. Esposito followed behind and handed the gun back to its owner. They sat in silence for a bit before Ryan asked, "Why are you down here, anyways?"

"Your replacement badge arrived. I thought I'd bring it down to you."

"And check up on me, hm?"

"Maybe. Yeah, okay."

Ryan studied the new badge, frowning. Sure it was an exact replica of the one that Jerry had taken from him when he was unconscious, but it didn't look right in his hands. It didn't feel like his badge. It was too shiny and new. Ryan didn't feel very shiny or new since the take down.

"What's wrong, Bro?" Esposito asked, pulling Ryan out of his thoughts.

"Huh? Oh, you know. Its just baggage. This badge is just another reminder of the other night. I have to use my back up firearm, I had to get a new phone that I don't have time to figure out and I've lost all the numbers I had so I've got to reprogram them all. And now this badge just looks silly. It doesn't have any of the scrapes or scratches from when I was in narcotics on it. Its almost like I lost all the history I have as a cop and I'm starting all over again."

"You can't take this personally, Bro. Its just a badge, things happen. This could have been any one of us. And it could've been totally worse. You and Castle, you guys could've been dead right now."

"True."

They sat in silence for a moment, but Esposito knew that he hadn't convinced his partner. At this point he was just hoping he hadn't made it worse. He wasn't very good at the touchy feely stuff. That was Ryan's job. Oh sure, he could do the protective older brother routine, but he could tell that wouldn't help right now. So, he did the only thing he could think of.

"Why don't we blow off for the day and grab a beer?"

Ryan looked up and smiled at his partner. "Thanks for the offer, but I've got a mountain of paper work on my desk I'm going to try and plow through, then Jenny's making dinner. Rain check?"

"Absolutely."

Esposito gave Ryan a pat on the back and they parted ways. Ryan headed back to the waiting onslaught of red ink and carpal tunnel syndrome.

* * *

When he got back up to his desk, Ryan took a look around to see who else was working late. There was a handful of other detectives crouched around, discussing their own murders. Montgomery was in his office taking a phone call. Beckett was also sitting at her desk, filling out the day's forms. Ryan wasn't that surprised. Beckett took her paperwork seriously. She never had to worry about meeting the post homicide deadlines on paperwork, unlike Ryan and Esposito, who often left things to the last minute, well, Esposito did anyways.

Beckett looked up as Ryan got settled in his chair and nodded to him. Ryan gave her a half smile and settled down in his seat. If he could get thirty good minutes of paperwork done, he'd feel good enough to call it a night. Unfortunately it was not meant to be because on top of his stack was the after action report from the other night that he had to read and sign, confirming that what was stated was true.

Ryan had given his initial report to Captain Montgomery the day after the incident, and that, along with Castle's statement, had meshed together to this final report that would go in the file, in his file and to all the other detectives to be studied and learned from. He was hesitant to read it, not because it made him look bad, or wasn't true, but because it was another reminder of how things had changed, and how he was going to have to claw his way back from this hole he'd fallen in.

He had explained to Jenny how he felt that night. They had a long conversation about what had happened, what that meant to them, and how the whole situation had made him felt weak and useless. Jenny had thrown him a rope into his hole, but he was going to have to slowly pull himself out. He decided there was no use is postponing the enviable and started reading the after action report.

As he read, he must have been making a pretty sour face, because not after too long, Beckett came over and sat down on the corner of his desk.

"Hey. After action report?"

"Yeah," he replied.

"Yeah, I hate those. I've got several in my file. I understand the reasoning behind them though."

"I know. I just... well, its the first time somebody got the drop on me, if you can believe it. Then, to lose my badge, my gun, I guess I'm feeling a little lost, you know?"

"I do know. I'm a female cop. Unsuspecting criminals think I'm an easy target. And I've lost my gun a couple of times. I mean, just last spring Dunn got the drop on me and if it hadn't been for Castle..."

"Castle, right."

"You're not angry at him, are you?"

Ryan had to stop and think for a moment. Was he angry at Castle? If he hadn't been there, spinning his theories, they would have never known it was Jerry who was actually the triple killer. On the other hand, if Castle had been better at not spinning his theories in front of the person he was accusing, Ryan might not have woken up to the worst headache ever.

"No," he finally replied. "I'm not angry at Castle. Maybe at myself for not recognizing where he was going with his talking. I keep thinking if I had just moved a bit quicker. You would've have moved quicker."

"Maybe. I can't really say that. Castle's brain works on a totally different level. I don't know. I keep thinking I should have never let him go out with you. You had no idea what you were getting yourself into."

"I actually liked going out with Castle. For awhile it was like hanging with the older brother I never had. Up until the point I got the crap beat out of me. I guess we all feel a little guilty over this one."

"Ryan," Beckett stood up and put her hand on his shoulder. "I know Castle feels really bad about this. Sometimes he runs his mouth. You both could have been killed. Jerry got away. There's a lot of blaming we could do, but I know it wouldn't be healthy for us. The best we can do is learn from it and move on."

"I know your right. And I know I'll be alright. But I hope you'll forgive me for a little bit while I get use to post-concussion Ryan. He's still a little jumpy and upset right now."

"I understand. Stick close to Esposito for a week or so, but eventually, and soon, I'll need you to get back out there by yourself, and I can't promise that things won't go south again."

"Huh, that's funny."

"What's funny?"

"That's the exact same thing I told Jenny the other night."

Beckett smiled at Ryan and headed towards her desk to collect her things. "I think you're going to be just fine. Why don't you pack up, and get out of here. Head home to your girlfriend. The paperwork will still be here in the morning."

"Thanks Beckett. I'll see you in the morning, that is unless a body drops."

"Till then."

* * *

Ryan could smell the food wafting from his apartment from the hallway. He was thankful that Jenny was such a good cook. It made it even easier to come home to a great meal and a beautiful woman. He wasn't sure what he had done to deserve her, but he was pretty sure he never wanted her to leave.

"Hey Jen!" he called as he opened the door.

"Hey Kev, dinner's practically ready. I'm just dishing it up now."

They both took their respective plates of food and headed over to the couch. Jenny sat, her legs tucked under her, plate resting comfortable on her lap. Ryan sat down next to her and inhaled the wonderful aromas of her cooking and her perfume.

"Thanks for this," he said leaning his head back and closing his eyes. Jenny reached over and ran her fingers through his hair.

"Rough day?"

"Oh, you know, just trying to get my sea legs back, so to speak."

They sat in silence for a moment, munching on their dinners, just enjoying being next to one another. Ryan thought back to the conversation he had with Beckett. He thought through the whole 3XK case. Then a realization hit him.

"Do you mind if I get deep with you for a moment?"

"What's up?"

"Well, I was just thinking back to the case. I thought I was upset because I hadn't acted quick enough, and Jerry got the drop on me. Well, that is upsetting. I don't like that my badge and gun and phone are gone. But I just realized that it goes even beyond that."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, earlier in the day, before that whole moment, I had spent hours with Jerry. We went over his story, what he said Gates had told him, what they had done in prison. Basically anything that I thought might help Beckett nail Gates to the wall. And through all that, I had no idea I was spending all that time with the real killer. And the thing is, I kinda felt sorry for the guy. I even empathized with him."

"Why would you do that? He had still gone to prison, right?"

"Well yeah. Maybe it was the charge, he was in there for drugs. I've put a lot of people away on drug charges when I was in narcotics. Those first timers were always the saddest. Either they were on the road to destruction or they snapped out of it and made good on their second chance."

"Well that makes a little sense, I guess."

"Look, here's this guy, he doesn't look like the biggest or strongest, gets picked up on a first time drug offense. He ends up a cell mate to Gates, who we all think it a serial killer, gets the crap beat out of him and all he wants to do is get out of jail and see his girl. Maybe I looked at him a little bit and wondered if I had gone down a dark path, if that could've been me."

"It was the girlfriend thing, too, wasn't it?"

"Maybe a little. I am a huge sucker for my girlfriend."

Jenny gave him a little shove and a smile, "You two didn't bond over girlfriend stories, did you?"

"No, nothing like that. I kept it professional on the outside. I never even mentioned you, although he probably knows about you know from my phone, my wallet..." Ryan's voice trailed off as he got lost in though.

Jenny moved their empty plates from their laps to the coffee table and snuggled up into her boyfriend. Ryan draped his arm around her shoulders.

"We'll cross that bridge if we get to it. But what I think you're saying now is you talked with this guy, you even started to kind of like him, and he turned on you. You're feeling even more duped because you spent the evening with a serial killer and didn't even know it?"

"Yeah."

"Kevin, you're only human," she looked up at him.

"Castle caught on to him after less than 2 minutes."

"Castle's crazy."

"Jenny."

"No seriously, Kev. You've read his books. All those best sellers, those crazy villains, they come out of Castle's brain. Sometimes I think its got to be a little freaky to live with a mind like Richard Castle."

"Come on. Castle's a good guy."

"Yes, he is, and that's what separates Castle from Jerry Tyson. Because Castle's brain might be a scary place to live, but he's got a lot of warm fuzzy love in his heart. And that make a huge difference. He might think like a killer, but I doubt he could ever hurt even a fly."

"What about me, I'm a cop. Aren't I suppose to think like a killer, too?"

She looked up into his blue eyes. "Kevin Ryan, you are one of the most sweet, innocent people I know. Sorry dear, but I don't think you can even begin to think like a killer. But that's what makes you special. Its your belief in good over evil, and your hard work, and the fact that you can manipulate almost all electronic equipment that makes me love you. We can't all be warped in the brain!"

Ryan let out a good laugh and hugged his girlfriend. He was feeling even better after a good meal and a good talk.

"Now, I think you just need a little more practice reading people," she said as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "So tell me, what am I thinking right now."

"Oh, I've got a pretty good idea," he said as he lifted her off the couch and headed to the bedroom.

* * *

Weeks had gone by, and slowly things had gotten back to a more normal feel. They had caught several cases. Castle had returned to cracking wise, Beckett was back on her game, and the boys fell slowly back into a semi-normal holding pattern. Working as a partnership had come second nature to Ryan and Esposito, and it was easy for Ryan to feel comfortable once again.

Then they caught this case with the murdered subway worker that escalated into a search for a kidnapped 12 year old boy. They knew time was of the essence and everyone wanted to find the kid before something bad happened to him.

He was walking up to the group at the murder board to tell Beckett the mother was there when he heard Castle ask why Tyler's own father would abduct him using a gun instead of just telling the kid they were going out for ice cream.

"Alright, Ryan, you go to Dean's office," Beckett commanded. "Esposito, you check out his apartment. Maybe something else is going on with that family."

"Right" Esposito gave Ryan a meaningful glance. This was the first time they had split up in weeks. Ryan knew that his partner was just checking to make sure he was cool. He tried to reassure his partner in that fleeting glance before he collected his things and left.

It was just starting to get really cold in the city as Ryan got in his car to head to Donegal's office. He drove in silence, trying to steady his nerves. Once in awhile the police radio would chirp, reminding Ryan that he was the only one in his car. He knew that this was important, so Beckett wasn't concerned with any demons that Ryan might be facing at that moment. That little boy or his family didn't care either. Regardless of how he felt, he had a job to do, and he knew he could do it.

Reaching the building, he parked, and keeping aware of his surrounding, went inside and announced himself to the guard at the desk, flashing his two week old badge. He explained who he was and what he was doing, and the security guard told him he'd buzz someone down from custodial to help him.

Ryan didn't know why, but he always imagined janitors as nice white haired older men, maybe from the guy that use to clean his high school that he'd see when he stayed late for clubs. So he was surprised when he was met by a younger woman, slightly shorter than he was. She let him to the desk, and answered his questions.

She had a slightly standoffish and defensive tone when Ryan asked her how Donegal had sounded when he called in sick. He felt a little nervous as she went on her diatribe about covering for one another, but he squashed it down. Nothing was going to happen in a room full of people. He wondered if he should be a little suspicious of her and her attitude, maybe she was helping Dean kidnap his son.

Her supervisor called her over and she left Ryan at the desk. He started to look around, and was surprised to find his web browser open to flight information. He called it in to Beckett, then took a moment or two to take a second look around the desk for clues. Not finding anything else, he headed back to his car.

Halfway back he realized something. He wasn't nervous anymore. He was doing his job, and he was doing it well. He had control of his situation again and it felt right. He gave himself a little half smile in the elevator. He was just getting back in his car when Esposito called.

"Ryan"

"Hey Bro. They've found Donegal in a motel in Queens. You got a pen? I'll give you the address."

"Yeah okay, just a minute," Ryan searched the seat cushions for a pen.

"Ryan?"

"Yeah"

"You okay?" Ryan understood that Esposito was asking him about his personal situation and not if he had found a pen.

"Of course. I'm cool. I've got a handle on it. Now give me that address."


End file.
